I received an email today from Sophie, she was the 5th person I interviewed for my show. It was in response to my original blog written about her and with her permission, I would like to share it. It’s very emotional and very moving.
I was almost fearful of reading the interview, but it was fine. I love the painting. It makes me feel sad and it is good to feel. I haven’t had anyone write about me or what I say. It is interesting reading an interpretation. The words you wrote make me think. I hope you don’t mind that I’m passing my thoughts onto you…
I no longer question my motivation to press charges. I found out about his daughter after my formal interview with the police The case and police are quiet at the moment. They have had two other cases to deal with and will resume investigations now. The police did find out that my mother was warned about him but for whatever reasons didn’t act on the information. Way back then his wife had been advised by a lawyer not to press charges. Times were different.
I often feel that I don’t move on with my life. I suppose what I’m saying is that I am not ok all the time. Now I am better at being emotional and I am more conscious. We have this idea that one gets fixed or better. I don’t believe that. What I think happens is that one starts to manage one’s life. I love the saying that Life is managing ordinary Misery.
The man did not steal my innocence. I am still innocent as an adult. What these people do to children, what that man did to me, took away boundaries and safety. Their actions make children, made me, ashamed, secretive, scared. He gave me physical pain. As an adult that sexual abuse makes problems for me with intimacy and trust. It has made me ambivalent. I am difficult to take care of. The bulimia and anorexia become a reliable friend to deal with emotion. I have learned to escape very well. I think that happens when as a child you are not protected.
I feel full of power writing those words”.